I hate it when my husband, who does none of the housework (inside) judges me and gives me sh*t on how I clean our house.

We have one of those Scrubbing Bubbles shower cleaner things. If you’ve never bought one, I’d suggest not wasting your money. It does a decent job, but not worth the ~$19.99 I paid for it. Anywho, my definition of “decent” is that while it cleans the area immediately around it (w/in 6-8”), it doesn’t do a whole lot for the other side of the shower from which it resides. So, on occasion, I’ll move it from one side of our entirely-too-small shower to the other, just for a little change of pace. (It’s a bad sign when your excitement for the week comes from relocating your shower scrubber…but, I digress.) So, yesterday, I moved it from the side it was on to the shower door because the door needs some attention. Now, granted, it is a little in the way if you’re getting into the shower, but how difficult is it to take its little hook and re-hook it on the other side of the shower? So, anywho, Randy looks at me this morning and says, “Why do you keep moving this to right here?” pointing to the cleaner thing. I look at him and say, “Because the door needed cleaned and that thing doesn’t do a very good job outside of its immediate area,” to which he replies, “Oh. Well, it’s in the way.” Really? It’s in the way of you not being in the shower?? I apologize, your royal highness…I’ll do better next time to accommodate you being out of the shower. Or, better yet, how’s ‘bout you shove it in your ear until you do something to help me clean something inside the house?

I'm just sayin'...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! That every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the otherside of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and it will never need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Got this from a co-worker...all too true in all 32 ways.

Thirty-two things that change when you have a baby

by Rebecca WoolfLast updated: October 2008

What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn't change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.

1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid.
3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.
4. You respect your body ... finally.
5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.
6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.
7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.
8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.
9. Your heart breaks much more easily.
10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.
11. Every day is a surprise.
12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)
13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
14. You become a morning person.
15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

And from our readers...
1. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom
2. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous
3. "You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte
4. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom
5. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers." — Roxanne
6. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye
7. "Silence? What's that?" — Anonymous
8. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda
9. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom
10. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom
11. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom
12. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog." — Kara
13. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey
14. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom
15. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom

16. You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place. — Arizona

17. If you didn’t believe in love at first sight before, now you do! — Ciara

I used to be an Operations Manager for a light industrial staffing firm which shall remain nameless. One of the funniest phone calls I ever got was this one. (This may not be verbatim as it’s been a while since this happened, but you’ll get the idea.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *company name*. This is Gretchen, how can I help you?”
Guy: “Yeah, what is your policy on birthdays?”
Me: *brief pause* “I’m sorry?” (At this point I’m thinking, “Um, we have them – is that what you mean??” That’s not what he meant…)
Guy: “What is your policy on birthdays?”
Me: *another brief pause* “Um…in what regards?”
Guy: *sounding annoyed…* “Do you let people off for their birthdays?”
Me: *confused face during pause* “If you have earned enough working hours for vacation time, you can take the day off and use 8 of those vacation hours.”
Guy: “So, you don’t pay people for their birthdays?”
Me: “Not if they don’t have vacation hours accrued.”
Guy: *sounding severely annoyed* “Okay…”

*click!*

I hung up and my Staffing Specialist and I sat there laughing for several minutes. I even had to e-mail out this conversation to a few friends, family members, and co-workers. Entirely too funny not to share.

I’m an admitted member of the grammar police. Take heed – I might be in your area soon…

I once had a co-worker whose grammar was so terrible, I forwarded an e-mail she sent to me (and she copied 6 big wigs in our company) to a few people and my mom responded and asked if she was of another ethnicity. I just about fell out of my chair - she was Caucasian and born and raised in the Houston area…she was just an idiot. Below are some of my favorites of her misuse of the English language…

“Potenent”
Her usage of the word: “{Her daughter} is on {some medication} and it’s so potenent that…” I don’t remember how she finished the sentence, but does it really matter? Potenent. Wow.

“Amplicably”
Her usage of the word: “…I’d like to solve this amplicably.” I think she was speaking to a vendor about an issue with the bill or something and she was trying to be firm and sound intelligent. Yeah. She failed. I believe the word you are looking for, my dear, is amicably. I could be wrong.

“Inlinement”
Her usage of the word: “My wheels are out of inlinement.” Now, this is funny for the obvious reasons, but consider further the fact that her brother was, according to her, an automotive genius. Apparently, that boat missed her port.

There are so many other things that she said/wrote that were so difficult to listen to/read because she was so lacking on the intelligence factor but I’ll spare you from being exposed to her stupidity. (She once told a co-worker and me that WWIII was coming...the Bible says so. **wide eyes**)


My friend, Mandy, and I like to compare notes on the stupid things we hear people say. One of my favorites from our conversations together…

“Oblivious”
Speaker’s usage of the word: Something along the lines of, “…it should have been oblivious to her.” Um, really? You sure it shouldn’t have been obvious?


I had a co-worker who insisted on intensifying any and every story she told by following every other statement with the word ‘literally,’ - even when it didn't make sense. For example, “She came in and her face was beat red. Literally.” Really? You mean someone beat her with a frying pan until her face was red? That's not cool.

This same co-worker also told me about the "point-settia" sweater she intended to wear to our Christmas party. And then proceeded to fill me in about her daughter doing one thing while "sime-you-taneously" doing something else.


And now, for my biggest grammatical pet peeves...

People who use quotes for “no” reason.

People who Capitalize things for No Reason.

Whose = belongs to/shows possession
Who’s = who is

It’s = it is
Its = belongs to/shows possession

Their = belongs to/shows possession
There = location
They’re = they are

Two = 2
To = location
Too = many/more

Where = location
Were = as in, “Were you using spell check when you sent out this poorly-spelled grammatical nightmare?”


Now, I know I'm not perfect. But for the love of Mother Nature, please use spell check when possible. Please. Or I just might get a beat red face or my head might explode. Literally. And it would be very oblivious to all of you.

I had the following conversation with little, snot-nosed brat working the drive-thru at Taco Bell just a few weeks ago:

He had just given me my bag o’ goodies…

Me: “Is there hot and fire sauce in here?”
SNB: “Um, no. Can’t read your mind.”
Me: *with that look on my face* “Then, may I have some, please?”
SNB: “Sure…” *hands me hot and fire sauce*

I was so pissed. You work in customer service, you little bastard. F*ckin’ act like it and don’t give me smart-assed answers when I ask you a simple question, being that I’m the customer and all. Punk.

I'm going to call out someone I love dearly here, at least to the extent of using him as an example of how saturated our society has become with what I think is a problem. My brother, bless his little, pea-pickin' heart, sent me a text a while back and it hurt my head to read it. I'm not going to publish it here, because it was a conversation between him and me but suffice it to say that he was trying to convey to me that our relationship is better now than it really ever has been and his intention is to keep it like that. Don't get me wrong - totally dig that he feels that way. But because of the way he wrote it, I had to read it 2-3 times over to really get what he was trying to say to me. I even responded to him and said, "I have no idea what you're trying to say." Now, my brother is a sharp guy. He's funny, he's intelligent, he's creative, and apparently, he doesn't realize that he wasn't born or raised in South Central L.A.

After reading it, though, it brought me back to a thought that I keep coming back to the more I watch people (especially young people) and their mannerisms. When did it become cool and acceptable to be ghetto? The clothes. The vehicles (white walls out!) with the music blaring to the point of rattling the internals of my ears. The grammar...ooohhhh, the grammar.

Someone else told me that people in Arlington, TX call it - Ag-town...yo. Seriously?? Because saying all 3 syllables is too much for you? You'd rather shorten it (by one syllable) and add 'yo' to the end (making it, yet again, 3 syllables) because you're a thuggish, middle-class teenager living in the DFW area? Hm. Interesting.

I was in a major department store the other day and this young (16-ish?) kid was walking around with the top of his pants at the middle of his ass (with boxers and briefs sticking out of the top...not sure what that's about, but I'm sure that's because it's a whole other bottle of wine) and he kept pulling them up as he was walking. Not sure why he didn't just wear them correctly or buy a belt. He was in the right place. I'd even help him try them on despite not being paid for it simply because he looked like a jackass. Anywho, yells to someone who turns out to be his girlfriend/wife, "Yo!" and nods towards the door at which point she comes running, they grab hands, and walk out. My heart sank. To me that's equivalent of snapping your fingers or patting your hand on your leg and whistling while you say, "Here, girl...here pretty girl!" I'd slap someone silly if they ever beckoned to me with "Yo..." Beyond that, I'd slap myself for responding with anything other than a look of disgust and my middle finger. And this young thing responded like it was nothing. (I could take this opportunity to get into how young women are raised to feel like they need to appease their man to keep him, but again - that's a whole other bottle of wine...)

I watch some of these kids behaving the way they do and I have to blame the parents. I won't blame the music. If you model yourself after a music video, you have more insecurities than Freud could handle and I won't even try to tell you as much because chances are you won't listen. My parents wouldn't let me leave the house looking like a hobo or a hooker and they had eyes everywhere (much to my chagrin) to ensure that I didn't change my clothes/apply my hooker get-up when I got to where I was going. Now, I recognize that parents can't be everywhere all the time - I totally get that. But, I don't necessarily think it's all just about having a GPS-tracking system on them at all times, be it in the electronic or human form. To me, it's more about self respect. My parents taught me that 'pretty is as pretty does' and that not only meant 'pretty' from the outside, but also from the inside. If I carried and presented myself in such a manner that made people think, "Hm...this chick might have it together," the rest would fall into place. I remember my mom not letting me where these chain-looking earring things because they were 'trashy-looking.' (Looking back now, she was right. At the time, however, she was just being a mean mom...)

Anywho, I won't pretend to be any kind of super parent - I'm 4-months old in this parental gig. But I will say that if my daughter brings home a young man who doesn't know that the pockets of his jeans need to align (ironically enough - they're also proportionate to them) with the cheeks of his ass and that you look like an idiot walking around with a shaggy-dog haircut that makes you unable to look me in the eye without moving said hair from your line of vision, we might have to have a sit-down.

With all of this being said, I'm off to roll in my ride (white walls out, draulics on) wit my biatches and we gonna drink 4t’s and cruise like it aint nuttin but a g-thang through the hood...

Deuce.

Is it funny to anybody other than me that he's got it on his fists backwards?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Movies/11/03/people.joaquin.phoenix.ap/index.html